Last year, on this day, I was anxiously heading to the doctor’s appointment that would change my life forever.
The regular appointment where I expected to talk to the doctor, hear my baby’s heartbeat and be on my way.
Instead I found out that my baby’s heart had stopped beating and that I was being admitted to the hospital to deliver. I had to call Hubs and tearfully break the news to him. And call my mom and dad and do the same and ask them to drop everything and drive 4 hours to watch my boys.
Because a 28-week induced labor takes so long, Sarah Catherine’s birthday is actually tomorrow, but today is the day we heard the news.
It’s almost unbelievable to me that an entire year has passed. It’s had it’s highs and lows. I feel like I had to relearn how to deal with life. Last December and January are almost a complete blur – that was survival mode. And what a blessing that it’s a blur. I feel like God was insulating me, protecting me from what I couldn’t handle, and just giving me a bit at a time until I could handle the gravity of the situation.
I’ve taken the time to take care of myself and take care of my family. I’ve read tons of books, just to keep my mind busy. And I’ve played with my boys instead of doing the housework. I’ve turned inward (easy to do for introverts like me). I’ve found out which friendships were ready to weather the storm and which ones had run their course.
I’ve tried to be more caring, but worry that I’ve been more impatient. I’ve tried to be a kinder person, but worry that I’ve just become more critical of others.
Some days are so good that I almost forget that there’s a hole in my heart and others I’m screaming so loudly inside that I feel like I might burst.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I’m still healing. Still grieving.
There are mostly good days, but still some bad days (thankfully those are few and far between).
Yes, this year has been a roller coaster. I’ll always grieve for my daughter. My only little girl. But it can only go up from here.
Last year, I imagined Sarah Catherine held in the arms of my Grandpas who have already passed on, praising Jesus in the month of his Holy birth. The image is still so comforting to me. Sarah Catherine and other loved ones, singing with the angels until the day I can join them. I am so happy that I have my sweet boys here on Earth to sing His praises with me here and now.
Happy birthday, sweet little Sarah Catherine. We miss you now and always. You’re in our hearts forever.