I have been in a major funk.
The house is a mess.
I’ve only been sorta cooking.
The laundry is piled high.
Though, I have read a ton of books, and gone on bike rides with the boys, and taken them to craft time and the library and the pool.
So I’ve been getting things done. Perhaps the more important things, come to think about it.
And also sort of distracting things.
We buried Sarah Catherine in the middle of June and in the weeks leading up to it, I was wound so tightly with stress. I had such anxiety that I was having digestive issues. I lost 5 pounds. I’m pretty thrilled to be back to pre-pregnancy weight, but that’s not the way I wanted to get there.
After the burial, I thought my stress level would go back to normal, but instead it went even higher. I was a mess.
Then I realized what had happened. The burial reset the grieving process. Much like ripping of a bandage too soon, the burial reopened those wounds.
That stress and anxiety? I can see my December and January there, where I was shocky and in disbelief that my baby had actually died.
Now I’m mostly past the anxiety and the anger is back. Remember this post? Yep, right back there. Not to mention that there are pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE! I see them and this irrational anger bubbles up from some dark place inside of me.
I don’t think it’s jealousy, because being pregnant again is my #1 worst fear. Yep, it even bumped those creepy nasty spiders and heights out of the way.
And yet, maybe it is jealousy. Maybe I’m envious that pregnant ladies are accomplishing what I couldn’t.
Ugh. It’s too much to think about right now.
I’m too crabby and angry. I hate the anger stage (no pun intended). I am so ready to get past it again and let the healing continue. And hopefully, hopefully let the bandage stay on this time.