Today I’ve been thinking a
lot about an unexpected side effect of losing our baby: Fear of
Hospitals/Clinics/Doctors.
Actually, it's not so much even that as a fear of the unknown.
On Monday I saw the doctor
for a completely minor issue that was unrelated to Sarah’s stillbirth.
I was super anxious before I
went in – I felt like my heart was racing.
Then I had to wait all
afternoon for the doctor to call back with the results of some routine lab
work.
It was awful.
I was paralyzed with fear. I
had no appetite. I was nauseous. I couldn’t focus or barely even function
while I waited for that phone call.
I know it stems from that
routine prenatal visit in December when my whole world flipped upside down and
we realized that my daughter had left the world while I carried her in my
belly. Crushing.
I feel like I can’t trust “routine”
checkups to be routine anymore. I know
that I am seeing the doctor for something fairly innocuous, but there’s a voice
in the back of my head whispering… “but what if something really bad is wrong?”
I hate that I’ve developed
this fear. I hate that no amount of
telling myself things will be fine can calm down my anxiety.
I’m glad that I don’t get
sick very often, so this shouldn’t happen much.
I can only hope and pray that
in time, I can conquer this fear.
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