Angel Wings Wednesday #11

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about an unexpected side effect of losing our baby: Fear of Hospitals/Clinics/Doctors.

Actually, it's not so much even that as a fear of the unknown.  

On Monday I saw the doctor for a completely minor issue that was unrelated to Sarah’s stillbirth.

I was super anxious before I went in – I felt like my heart was racing.

Then I had to wait all afternoon for the doctor to call back with the results of some routine lab work.

It was awful.

I was paralyzed with fear. I had no appetite.  I was nauseous.  I couldn’t focus or barely even function while I waited for that phone call.

I know it stems from that routine prenatal visit in December when my whole world flipped upside down and we realized that my daughter had left the world while I carried her in my belly.  Crushing.

I feel like I can’t trust “routine” checkups to be routine anymore.  I know that I am seeing the doctor for something fairly innocuous, but there’s a voice in the back of my head whispering… “but what if something really bad is wrong?”

I hate that I’ve developed this fear.  I hate that no amount of telling myself things will be fine can calm down my anxiety.

I’m glad that I don’t get sick very often, so this shouldn’t happen much.

I can only hope and pray that in time, I can conquer this fear.