Angel Wings Wednesday #1

Even though this is primarily a cooking blog, I’ve been feeling strongly that I want to share my thoughts and feelings about the loss of our daughter.  So I decided to start Angel Wings Wednesdays.

On Angel Wings Wednesdays I want to write about my loss and things that are helping me heal.  I may not post every Wednesday, but it’s a start.

For today, a little background and Sarah’s Story (which I wrote the day after she was born).

As many of you know, we found out we were expecting baby #3 in July 2013, and announced it in September.

After my usual 16 weeks of morning sickness, the pregnancy went smoothly until the 28 week appointment.

On Tuesday, December 17, 2013, I went in for my regular 28-week OB appointment.  I was expecting a routine check, including the blood glucose screening (for gestational diabetes).  While I waited for the appointment, I was even joking over Facebook over the disgustiness of the “Gulcola” drink.

When I was called back to the doctor, we chatted a bit and then I hopped up on the table to hear baby’s heartbeat.  The doctor had trouble finding the heartbeat, and thought that baby was rolling away and kicking the Doppler probe (I’d also still been feeling movement).  Since she was having trouble, she decided to grab the office ultrasound to see how baby was laying so we could get that heartbeat.

As I was waiting for the ultrasound, the doctor also decided to do a fetal non-stress test, just to make sure baby was okay. 

Once the doctor began the ultrasound, we quickly realized that something was very wrong.  Baby’s heart wasn’t beating.  My doctor told me to call Hubs asap (he was home watching Spud) and sent me downstairs to get a formal ultrasound.  Down in ultrasound, they confirmed that baby’s heart was no longer beating.  They also noted low amniotic fluid and measured baby at 25 weeks, indicating that baby had been struggling for several weeks.

By this time, Hubs had made it to the clinic, and we went back to the doctor’s  office together.  Our doctor told us that baby had passed away, but the ultrasound was unable to determine the cause.  We did a lot of talking (I didn’t absorb much) and then she sent us to the hospital to induce labor to deliver our baby.  At about 3pm, I was checked in and labor was induced.

As I labored a wept for our lost child.  I knew that I wanted our baby to have name, but I knew the names we had picked out were no longer right for our sweet lost baby.

As I thought, I decided that if baby was a girl, I would name her Sarah (because throughout the pregnancy, Dude told us that our baby was a girl and he was naming her Sarah), and Catherine (the Patron Saint of miscarriages) and if the baby was a boy, I was going to name him Raphael (after the Arch Angel).

Sarah means Princess

Catherine means Pure

Raphael means God Heals

Labor progressed through the night and I finally got a bit of sleep.  At about 5 am, the contractions got too strong to sleep though, so I got some fentinol and became a button click narcotic addict and quickly learned what the “no beep” sounded like.  The labor quickly progressed and the fentinol did absolutely nothing to stop the pain.  I believe “I made the wrong choice” (in not choosing an epidural) and “I’m going to die” were uttered.  On that note, I’ve realized that I’m a total epidural junkie – not declining that again!

Then, at 7:47 am, our sweet Sarah Catherine was born.  Hubs cut the cord and per our wishes, Sarah was immediately placed in my arms.  She had her little arms snuggled against her face, just like in her ultrasound.  She was so peaceful and perfect in every way.

After awhile, the nurses took her to the nursery.  They cleaned her up, made her hand and foot prints, and took her picture and brought her back to us for some family photos.  When she came back, they told us that our sweet angel weighed only 1 lb 14.8 oz and was 15 inches long.  Sarah had perfect little features, included long legs and long hands and feet with 10 beautiful fingers & 10 perfect toes.  She had her Daddy’s nose.

While we waited to be discharged, we snuggled our sweet Sarah for a few more precious hours.

Just before we checked out, my doctor came by.  She said that we lost Sarah due to a placental abruption.

Now, two months out, we are still without answers as to why exactly we lost Sarah, and that makes it even harder.

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father”…

…in just the same way, it is not the will of your heavenly Father that one of these little ones be lost.

Matthew 18: 10, 14